Best Laid Plans
Co-written with Nicci

Pairing: Malcolm Reynolds/Jayne Cobb/Simon Tam
 
Category: crack-fic, humor
 
Rating: NC17
 
Summary: Jayne's fake blank face was nearly enough to crack Mal up. He just had to hope that the gorram guy didn't overdo it. No need to tip Simon off too soon. Licking his lips, Mal watched as Simon pushed Jayne's hand aside and started carefully squeezing the area that Jayne had been gripping.
 
Nicci's Notes: This was all Ximeria's idea. My pr0n muse decided to got on vacation and she figured a 'round robin' might get the creative juices flowing again, so to speak! Um... it sure did work!
 
Xim's Notes: I could blame this on Nicci, but you know what? I'll take the blame for this one LOL. Fact was, Nicci's never done this before, using AIM to write at such a fast pace, just for the fun of it, so I figured she'd get the chance for a little fun this way ^_~ PS She needs to make a share-with-all LJ icon that says 'Blame Xim' -- Everyone blames me anyway
 
Add. notes: All translations are coded into the sentences/words so just hover the mouse over it and you'll get the English version. All translations are done with the help of the Firefly-Serenity Chinese Pinyinary

"You sure he'll go for it?" Mal snuck a look around the corner, making sure that Simon was still in the infirmary.

"I get hurt often enough," Jayne muttered. "If I limp in there he'll go for it."

"Sneaky," Mal grinned.

"Cunnin'," Jayne countered.

Mal didn't argue that. Jayne was in a good mood, no need to spoil it. "But if you're 'hurt', then how do we get the good Doc onto the table to strap him down?"

"He'll turn his back," Jayne promised. "You just wait for my cue. When I move, you move. You might wanna think about gagging him, tho'."

Mal nodded. "Not a bad idea. But if he says 'no' to this, it's 'no', Jayne."

"Duh," Jayne snorted, rolling his eyes. "I don't wanna take him unwillin'. It's more fun if he goes with it. And he will."

"You're mighty sure about that," Mal said, wondering if he'd taken leave of his senses. Everyone else was in town, while he and Jayne were planning to... take advantage of their doctor.

"Mal, you've seen how he looks at you an' me." Jayne shrugged.

"One thing is showing interest, another thing is takin' us both on at the same time," Mal argued, feeling he owed Simon that much.

"You sayin' you don't wanna?" Jayne said, a challenging smile on his face.

"Oh yeah, I wanna. Dreamed about it often enough haven't I?" Mal rubbed his sweaty hands on his pants and took a deep breath. "So what's the cue?"

"Huh?" Jayne said, more than a little distracted by the sight of Simon bending at the waist to retrieve a fallen roll of surgical tape.

"Cue... what cue you gonna give me?" Mal reached into his back pocket and pulled out a neckerchief, testing its strength by tugging on the ends firmly.

Jayne made a face and rolled his eyes, "I dunno, Mal, you want me to make duck callin' noises or somethin'?"

"Go se, Jayne, just get on with it before I change my gorram mind...!"

Jayne's eyes flickered to Mal's crotch and a small grin widened. "You gettin' blue there, Cap'n?"

"Been ruttin' blue since the last time you put out," Mal sneered, though he didn't manage to get half as much malice into his voice as he'd been aiming for. That wasn't lost on Jayne either.

"You could have taken me up on the offer, ye know," he said sweetly.

Mal rolled his eyes. "You offered me a blowjob in the engine room. Kaylee would've killed us if she'd found us there."

Jayne shrugged. "Your loss. It just means there'll be more for our Doc."

Mal sighed. "Just look out the door and nod at me," he told Jayne. Simple plans were always the better plans. Especially with a horny Jayne around.

Jayne nodded and schooled his face into a grimace of pain, clamping a large hand around his upper thigh. With one last wink, he limped into the infirmary, as Mal ducked back out of sight. From his crouched position under the large window he heard Simon's startled exclamation, "Where the hell did you come from!!?"

"Engine room," Jayne replied dumbly "Me and Mal was shifting some heavy crates. Think I ruptured somethin', Doc."

Mal decided that Simon was probably distracted enough that he could peep round the door without being noticed. Simon was backing Jayne towards the diagnostic bed in the centre of the room, one hand on his shoulder, the other covering Jayne's hand on his thigh.

Hiding his grin, Mal realized that Jayne had shifted his hand a little higher than he'd first done when he'd limped into the infirmary. Either Simon was oblivious or he was real good at ignoring where his hand was nearly placed.

"Just lie back," Simon said in his normal, soothing voice. "Let me have a look at it."

Jayne's fake blank face was nearly enough to crack Mal up. He just had to hope that the gorram guy didn't overdo it. No need to tip Simon off too soon. Licking his lips, Mal watched as Simon pushed Jayne's hand aside and started carefully squeezing the area that Jayne had been gripping.

"Just tell me if it hurts," Simon said, head bent over his work.

Mal's eyes traveled down the lean back, down over the nice ass and back up again. Looking up, he caught Jayne's eyes. Even from his position he could see that Jayne's pupils were dilated.

Jayne better stick to the ruttin' plan, or Mal might just shoot him out the airlock.

"Does this hurt?" Simon asked, thankfully not looking up. The expression on Jayne's face would have given their game away. Damn, but Mal had forgotten how good a wanton Jayne looked.

Jayne let out a long low moan and Simon quickly withdrew his hand.

"Sorry!" he apologized, thinking of course, that he'd caused Jayne more pain. "Jayne, I think you might have a hernia. I'm afraid I need to take a proper look at the groin area. Can you loosen your pants?"

Simon turned away to open the drawer where he kept the latex gloves so he missed the filthy smirk on Jayne's face. Mal couldn't tear his eyes away from Jayne's hands as he slowly unbuckled his gun belt. He could feel Jayne's blistering gaze on him, but the slow strip was way too good to miss.

Then Simon was blocking his view and he had to take a couple of steadying breaths.

"You need a hand?" Simon asked, laying his hand on Jayne's leg.

Mal's mouth fell open, then a grin started spreading on his lips... 'Well, I'll be...' he thought to himself. Either the Doc was really oblivious, or he was playing Jayne's game better than Jayne himself...

Big question was; would Simon be as ready for the both of them as it seemed he was for Jayne? And they needed to move fast, because the moment Jayne dropped his pants, there was no concealing the... 'evidence'.

Mal shifted a little to the side, trying to get to an angle where he could catch Jayne's eyes, but the gorram idjit was completely focused on Simon. Obviously the offer to 'help' him strip had blown a fuse or two. Way Mal figured it, Jayne had to be out of fuses by now.

Seeing that he was going to be getting no help from the big guy, Mal took a deep breath, adjusted his growing erection and raised the neckerchief above his head, ready to get the drop on the good doctor. He took a step into the infirmary, eyes fixed on the dark head bent way to close to Jayne's groin.

"That won't be necessary, Captain," Simon said straightening up and turning his head slightly to look over his shoulder "I can assure you I won't make a peep."

Mal staggered to a halt, noting that Simon was already making good of his offer to give Jayne 'a hand'.

Jayne's eyes were closed, his mouth gaping open in pleasure as Simon stroked him though the heavy fabric of his open pants. Mal looked in disbelief between him and the Doc.

"I thought we had a well crafted plan, Jayne?" he growled, advancing on the pair menacingly.

Simon turned his head and smiled a filthy little smile, "Ah well, you know what they say about the best laid plans of mice and men?"

From the table, Jayne gurgled and mumbled something that sounded like, "Dunno shit 'bout mice, but this man sure plans to get laid by the best!" Mal looked at Simon's hand working inside Jayne's pants. At least until Simon's other hand cupped Mal through his pants.

"A good plan..." Mal moaned. "A good plan leaves room for improvisation," he managed to get out. Putting his hands on Simon's shoulders to steady himself, Mal took the final step that put him flush against Simon.

"Is that so?" Simon murmured, eyes heavily lidded as the blue eyes focused on Mal's mouth.

"That's so," Mal muttered as he slid one hand up along Simon's neck, running his fingers through the short hair at the nape of his neck. With a light tuck, he pulled Simon's head closer, covering the crooked smile with his own mouth.

It had taken ages to get Jayne to do the kissing thing, but the good doctor took to it like a fish to water. Mal deepened the kiss even more, trying to slip his tongue inside Simon's mouth. Again he found the tables turned as Simon took over the control completely, eating Mal alive.

"That is so ruttin' hot," Jayne growled from somewhere next to him, and Mal's legs nearly buckled as Jayne's big hand slid down over his ass.

"Go se!" Mal groaned. What with the Doc's hand on his crotch and Jayne's squeezing his ass, Mal wasn't aware at first that he was being expertly maneuvered, until he lost the heat of Simon's mouth. He was turned around to stand between Jayne's legs with Simon pressing in close behind him, breath hot on the back of his neck. It was becoming apparent to the captain, that there were maybe other plans at work here. Plans he hadn't even been aware off.

Then thinking became a thing of the past when Simon slipped Mal's suspenders from his shoulders, just as Jayne popped the button if his pants and slid Mal's cock out into the cool air. "Ta ma duh hwoon dahn," he gasped.

"Really, captain Reynolds, there's no need for profanities," the cultured voice in his ear whispered, followed by the sting of teeth nipping at his earlobe. One of Mal's many hotspots. "Jayne could be accused of humping many things..." Mal gulped, feeling two sets of hands slipping under the hem of his shirt. "... but I doubt he would sink so low as to do his own mother."

"You seen my mother, right?" Jayne snickered, taking a nipple between each thumb and finger and pinching even as Simon ran his hands from Mal's shoulder blades to his ass.

Mal groaned and steadied himself with a hand on either of Jayne's shoulders. Simon leaned back a little, slipping his hand along the seam between Mal's ass cheeks. "Can I?" he whispered softly into Mal's ear.

Swallowing hard, Mal nodded. He figured if the kid asked for the codes to Serenity, he'd be willin' to hand them over by now too.

"Oh yeah, that'd be hot," Jayne muttered as he continued his assault on Mal's nipples. "But I don't wanna be left out," he warned, arousal flashing in his eyes.

Simon's chuckle sent a shiver down Mal's spine. Plastered to Mal's back, Simon reached around them and tugged at Jayne's pants. Jayne, for once, was fast on the uptake and managed to writhe enough to get them down around his knees.

Mal looked down at the flushed cock with a grin as Jayne pulled his own t-shirt off. Then he made short work of Mal's shirt, dropping both onto the floor.

"Don't wanna keep these on," Simon muttered behind him, and a moment later the gloves he'd been wearing sailed over their heads. "Wanna feel you," Simon whispered hotly into Mal's ear as he pushed Mal's pants down as far as they could get for the boots.

Simon pushed at Mal's hips, forcing him forward until he was lying on top of Jayne, their erections snugly trapped between their bodies. Again, Simon ran a finger down the crease of Mal's ass, though this time around, there were no clothes and no latex between them and as the tip of Simon's finger brushed against the sensitive skin of Mal's hole, Mal bucked against Jayne, who put his hands on Mal's hips and arched up against him.

"This is gonna be so good," Simon whispered feverishly behind him and something cool and slippery slid down between Mal's cheeks.

It took a moment for his lust-dazed brain to register the fact along with the coolness and the slipperiness, came puffs of warm air, but by then, Simon's tongue was already flickering over his hole in a maddening rhythm. Wasn't the first time anyone had done this for him, but never before with such finesse. His fingers tightened painfully on the edges of the bed and he held on for grim death.

Jayne lifted his head and peered over Mal's shoulder. "Oh, fuck!" he whimpered, seeing what Simon was doing. His fingers gripped Mal's hips so tightly that there was sure to be bruises left there, but Mal didn't much care right about there and then.

Simon was groaning constantly and the vibrations traveled right though Mal's ass, up his spine, out to his fingers and toes and sizzled across his balls. "Simon!" he gasped, sinking his teeth into the taut flesh of Jayne's pec just above his nipple, "Can't last much longer if you keep... oh, God, if you keep doin' that!"

Simon's tongue made one last deep thrust into Mal before the doctor withdrew and reached for the lube.

"Come on, come on," Jayne chanted, eyes riveted to whatever Simon was doing behind Mal's back. Not that Mal had to be too creative to figure out what was going on.

One long, slippery finger slipped inside Mal before he could tighten up. With a groan he relaxed against Jayne, who took his weight fully. Mal tried to think of boring stuff to keep his mind off the... Mal groaned as the finger was replaced by two.

Boring stuff, right...

"Oh Mal," Simon groaned behind him. "Never imagined..." Simon trailed off and pushed his fingers in a little harder this time, hitting Mal's prostate.

Mal let out a long, low moan. "Hurry up," he growled.

"Preparation," Simon began.

"Fuck preparation! Even better, fuck me!" Mal demanded breathlessly. He wasn't going to hold out much longer. His cock was sliding against Jayne's, against the coarse hair that trailed from Jayne's chest to his cock. And behind him he had Simon doing incredible things to him with his fingers.

"Want more than you ruttin' fingers," Mal moaned.

"Come on Doc, he can take it, just ram it in there!"

"God!" Simon snarled, roughly parting Mal's cheeks and lining himself up. Mal locked his arms and tried to relax enough to let Simon in. He felt Simon's hand slide up his spine, cup the base of his skull and push his head down towards Jayne's mouth, which swallowed his soft cry a moment later as Simon eased his cock past the tight ring of muscle.

He was pathetically glad when Simon paused to give him time to adjust to the size and girth of the cock inside him. He panted into Jayne's mouth, loving the slip and slide of the man's tongue against his own. Then Simon pressed forward and with a grunt slid all the way in.

"Yeh-soo, yes," Jayne said, as Mal trembled against him.

Simon drew back a little, adjusted the angle and slammed back in, nailing Mal's prostate expertly in the process and making him cry out again. His arms buckled and he went sprawling helplessly onto Jayne's chest. The larger man snorted and slid his hands onto Mal's cheeks, holding them open for Simon.

Bracing himself on Mal's shoulder's, Simon pulled back again, only to repeat his move, the force of the thrust making both Mal and Jayne grunt.

Jayne's fingers dug into the globes of Mal's ass and the feel of Simon pounding into him, nearly drove Mal crazy. The slide of his body against Jayne's with every trust only aided the madness.

"Let go," Jayne urged, arching up against him.

Mal groaned and found Jayne's mouth again, just as Simon leaned down, thrust one final time, and bit hard into the juncture where Mal's neck and shoulder met. The stinging pain along with Simon's frantic release inside him, was enough for Mal to lose the last shred of control.

He felt it rip though him like wildfire, burning him, so intense and hot that sweat dripped from his body onto the one below him, helping the frictionless slide of cock against cock. With a hoarse cry, he threw his head back, howled at the ceiling and came explosively over Jayne's belly and chest.

"That's it, that's it!" Jayne panted, going cross-eyed with effort. Behind Mal, Simon's breath caught and he slammed hard into him one more time, which was all Jayne needed to find his own release. "Gorramit, that's it," he yelled, bucking wildly off the bed, despite the combined weight of two limp and satiated bodies pressing him back down.

At first their ragged breathing was the only sound to be heard in the brightly lit infirmary, but eventually, as they all got their breaths back, another faint sound made itself heard.

"You hear that?" Jayne rasped out from the bottom of the puppy pile, his voice hoarse from all the shouting.

"Wha?" Mal slurred, really needing to grab some sleep.

"Sounds like metal creaking," Simon said, idly stroking his fingers though Mal's sweat-spiked hair.

They all thought about that for a moment, which incidentally, was as long as it took for the diagnostic table to finally give up the ghost, and with a shriek of despair, it collapsed, depositing its three near naked passengers on the cold floor with a thump.

Mal was the first to start laughing, but before long, all three of them were clutching their sides and howling with the joy of release, in more ways than one.

"That's it," Mal groaned when the laughter subsided. "Next time we find something sturdier than this. It's gonna get too expensive if we're gonna thrash the ship just for a little fun."

"Yeah," Simon grunted as he carefully pulled out of Mal, who winced. "I'm a bit old fashioned, so my suggestion is a bed."

"Now what's the fun in that?" Jayne grunted, still lying on the destroyed table. "I think the table in the dining area is sturdier, by the way."

Mal groaned and rested his head on Jayne's shoulder, while Simon petted him soothingly on the shoulder.

"I think I've been played," Mal grunted, sleepily.

"Do you mind?" Simon asked.

Mal could feel the rumble of Jayne's laughter under him. "Not particularly," he admitted. If this was the payoff, they could play him like a fiddle any day.

The End